I’m sorry Lindsey Lohan, but you just aren’t getting your shit together. I always thought that one day you would drop the whole lezbo act and go back to duderino’s, but It just isn’t manifesting the way I would like. My new hollywood crush you ask? Kristen *didn’t really like twilight* Stewart. I mean I know I’m going to flaunty red head to passive brunette but I’m just that kind of guy. The best part is that I can still keep my creepy side of liking very young hollywood actresses. With Lilo it was the parent trap, which was awesoem because it was twice the creepiness, but for Kristen it is Panic room. The asthmatic little girl who is trapped in a 5 x 9 ft room with her mom, lesbo jodi foster…..mmmmmm mother and daughter action. Anyway, peace out lindsey, it was fun.
Twitting is fun, but tumblr lets me illustrate more of what I’m actually thinking. So what am I thinking? How about a wet nap dispenser next to the toilet so when you go #2 you don’t have to wait until you pull your pants and get to the sink to wash your hands. Patent pending…
Well ladies and gentleman, after a long period of no blogs I am back. Better then ever you ask? No. Just back. What Have I been doing with my self this whole time? Maybe I learned a second language. Maybe I traveled to Guam. Maybe I climbed Mt. Fiji. Those would all be great excuses as to why I haven’t written anything in a while but the truth is that I am a superhero.
With all the responsibilities I have to endure with this great power, and the harsh reality of portraying a normal life I just haven’t had time to talk about how much people bug me. Yea I hate how slow people walk on the sidewalk, and how people wait until they get on the bus to take out their money. But I just don’t have the time. Let’s not forget parents that put their kids in crocs…why not play a game of chance with your kids toes. I mean a thin layer of plastic should be enough stop all forces of nature. But back to the point.
Like most super heroes, I’m going through that phase where they want to get rid of all the hustle and bustle of the hero lifestyle and go back to how things were. Before we learned of our godly gift. So I am hanging up the cape and getting back to what I was really meant to do in this life. Which is hating on people who are better then me.
Now that it’s 2009 and we are officially in the future, it’s time to reflect and make changes to yourself for the better. With the new year comes a clean slate, a chance to make improvments on all the experiences of past years. I’d like to share those resolutions with you.
- I’d like to start participating in one of the top two eating disorders. Anorexia takes a lot of effort and discipline, and bulemia is pretty messy so I haven’t realy decided between the two yet.
- My standard for women will severly drop down. I’m now accepting cankles, notable scars, bad teeth, and blondes.
- I am going to be nicer to Asians, even though they are secretly planning to invade the U.S with dragons and fireworks.
- I will stop paying homeless people to put lightbulbs in their mouth and then allowing me to punch them.
- I will stop punching homeless people period.
- I am finally going to send my love lettes to Phylisha Rashad.
- I will take all the Barney the Dinosaur and Ice Cream stickers off my white van and put the license plates back in place.
- I will stop serving hot girls “Benadryl Bombs” at Slainte.
- I will stop serving Coke to people who order Diet Coke.
- I will learn an instrument.
Leather jackets…..how cool are they? If someone were to ask me that question I would reply back to them that 80% of the coolness of a leather jacket depends on the person who is wearing it. The other 20% depends on color, thickness, etc.
If you are a greasy haired, no undershirt wearing, piece of euro-trash, and you are wearing a black leather jacket….you should be put in a cage. If you are a geeky, pimple faced, uber nerd and you wear your leather jacket so that no one can see how your body resembles a rail on the inside……you should be raped by clowns…..black clowns.
Pretty much there should be a rule saying that no one under 21 is allowed to wear a leather jacket. If I had my way no one under 25 should wear a leather jacket. The only exception to this rule would be if you have ever served in the military. Anyone that serves in the military can wear a leather jacket to bed if they want too.
So that leaves the question, “Well jeepers Tom, who can wear a leather jacket?” My response, anyone who has a motorcycle obviously (for safety reasons), my dad, and anyone who was in the movie TOP GUN.
Basically this rant was brought on by two D-bags who walked into slainte and both were wearing identical leather jackets. They both had a Schlitz (daily special) asked if they could get another round on the house to which I wanted to reply I’d rather give two free drinks to the next street urchin that walks down the street but I politely said no. Afterwards they walked out and I got upset that we live in a world where these two think they are cooler for wearing those jackets which looked like the price tag was still on it, and that price tag would say “Marshalls.”
Other Jacket related blogs to come
- You were never in the Navy so stop wearing a peacoat.
- Why is it bad to wear Courduroy Jackets and Courduroy pants at the same time?
- D-Bags who give North Face a bad name.
A couple terms for anyone planning to visit the far east soon.
1) That’s not right - Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man - Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat
9) It’s very dark in here - Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
14) He’s cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great………………………………..Fa Kin Su Pah
17) Dildo - Fun Toi
18) Ex-wife - Fa Kin Sau
19) Where´s the restroom? - Ai Pe Nau
20) I absolutely agree! - No Daut
21) Jesus child - Ho Li Boi
22) Dogshit under my shoe - Stin Kin Puh
23) Stop teasing me! - Tat Nut Fun
24) Annoying kid - Hit Tat Boi
25) Cough up some dough! - Pei Nau
