Tears for Beards

Nov 04
Permalink

Urinating in the darkness

This is a post mainly towards my male readers. All three of you. Isn’t it the worst when you get up in the middle of the night to relieve yourself and you get to the bathroom and for some reason or another, you don’t turn on the light. Maybe you don’t want your eyes to get adjusted to light right before you go back to bed, or maybe the light is out. So there you are, standing in front of your very own toilet, one in which you have used millions of times. You would think that it would be something you could do with your eyes closed anyway. Then you start to urinate and you realize that you are not hitting water. If you’re lucky you’re hitting rim, but even then you get a splash effect. You stop, it stings, you try again using what you’ve learned from the last failed projectery. But no matter what happens you now have to turn on the light because now there is piss to be cleaned up.

Future Uriantion blogs to come

  • Duel Streams and the pants they ruin
  • Tricks on how to urinate in public restrooms without walls between the urinals.
  • The only valid excuses for a “sit down” urination.
Oct 18
Permalink
I’m sorry, but there is no way in hell that all these girls I see on Saturday afternoons are all fans of Ohio State. I am sick of seeing these ditsy blondes walk around in their bug eyeglasses, talking on their cell phones, and trying to pick out which drunk asshole is going to buy her next drink. My guess is that maybe 37% of these girls actually went to Ohio State. The other 63% are just looking for an excuse to get drunk early enough so that they can endure the pain of being whores. I seriously hate those bug eyeglasses, and Ohio……and when you mix that with annoying vodka/cran drinkers, I get upset. Does red go with everything? Is that why they choose Ohio State?

I’m sorry, but there is no way in hell that all these girls I see on Saturday afternoons are all fans of Ohio State. I am sick of seeing these ditsy blondes walk around in their bug eyeglasses, talking on their cell phones, and trying to pick out which drunk asshole is going to buy her next drink. My guess is that maybe 37% of these girls actually went to Ohio State. The other 63% are just looking for an excuse to get drunk early enough so that they can endure the pain of being whores. I seriously hate those bug eyeglasses, and Ohio……and when you mix that with annoying vodka/cran drinkers, I get upset.

Does red go with everything? Is that why they choose Ohio State?

Oct 11
Permalink

NaCl versus NaOCl

Yes I am salty, who wouldn’t be after an encounter such as the one previously talked about.  Although I wouldn’t have anyone with bleached hair change it back because now it will be easier for me to find you on top of the clock tower with my gun.

Yes, even you A.J!  I am not a spaz.  Once you pounded my fist you should have realized who I was.  I’m sorry, this is my rage talking.

Reblog!! not Reboot, that show sucked.

mrdanger:

made my night…blonde hair is the new bottle opener

matthewaperrone:

so, i fist-pounded the whiteSox starting catcher last night.
this guy was livid.
i didn’t even initiate it, he calld me out and i responded.
thing is: my buddy gives a fuk about the whiteSox, and i cudn’t care any less.
it was hysterical!
Oct 08
Permalink
Location - Gaslight Bar Time - Around midnight I’m heading into Gaslight bar with Matt to meet Alex and Alain. After the Casual hello’s I notice A.J sitting in the front room talking it up to the waitress. I am giddy. A.J is one of my favorite White Sox Players and always seemed like a cool guy to hang out with. As he passes me to go to the bathroom I shrug thinking that I should have said something cool like “When you threw that ball in Cuddeyer’s face after tagging him out at the plate in the Tiebreaking game to determine the A.L Central that was friggin’ awesome!!” I didn’t say that. I decide that I’ll say something on his way back to the table. As he is approaching I take a huge gulp as I decide to say something. Before I get a word out, he approaches my friend matt, who like AJ has bleached his hair. AJ - Nice Hair! Matt - Thanks! I’m diggn it. Me - speechless So instead of me getting to voice my appreciation to AJ for a very well played season of baseball, he gives props to my bud for his bleached hair. The same kid who bitched about the sox/twins tie breaker game fucking up his DVR’d gossip girl. This sums up my life. Pretty sad.

Location - Gaslight Bar

Time - Around midnight

I’m heading into Gaslight bar with Matt to meet Alex and Alain. After the Casual hello’s I notice A.J sitting in the front room talking it up to the waitress. I am giddy. A.J is one of my favorite White Sox Players and always seemed like a cool guy to hang out with. As he passes me to go to the bathroom I shrug thinking that I should have said something cool like “When you threw that ball in Cuddeyer’s face after tagging him out at the plate in the Tiebreaking game to determine the A.L Central that was friggin’ awesome!!” I didn’t say that. I decide that I’ll say something on his way back to the table. As he is approaching I take a huge gulp as I decide to say something. Before I get a word out, he approaches my friend matt, who like AJ has bleached his hair.

AJ - Nice Hair!

Matt - Thanks! I’m diggn it.

Me - speechless

So instead of me getting to voice my appreciation to AJ for a very well played season of baseball, he gives props to my bud for his bleached hair. The same kid who bitched about the sox/twins tie breaker game fucking up his DVR’d gossip girl.

This sums up my life. Pretty sad.

Oct 04
Permalink

Some say my last tumblr was too long…..

bite me.

Maury deserves what he got.

Sep 30
Permalink
HOMAGE TO MAURY POVICH First he was a news anchor, then the host of “A Current Affair,” and now he has his own talk show that has been satirized in comic strips, rap songs, and South Park. The Maury Povich show for those of you who have not heard of it (get out of your cave,) is mainly about helping people help themselves.  Also, it is about seeing a bunch of sad pathetic losers trying to sneak out of paying child support to their children.  Which leads me to one of my favorite show subjects….Are you the father?  This wonderful premise usually starts with some poor unattractive women who never lost the baby weight trying to pin child support on one of several men that could possibly be her “babby’s daddy.”  Sometimes it’s just one guy, sometimes it’s three.  I once saw a woman go on who had already tested five men to be the father of her daughter.  FIVE MEN!! Now I know what you’re going to say; “Tom, why do you watch this trashy show??”  I’ll tell you why, other then the reason that it makes me feel better about  my own life. When you see these guys come on, who are usually either rednecks, or minorities, they come out to the stage with some TJ-Maxx polo shirt tucked into some black denim jeans and think they are dressed up.  They are automatically boo’d at because their is some disgrace of a woman on stage who has been crying for about 10 minutes straight saying how she had to raise her bastard son all by herself. So there are two different scenarios that can now play out.  You are the father, or You are not the father. You are the father - The woman goes crazy.  She gets up all in the guys face and starts pointing her finger in her empty hand.  The man, disgusted, looks away if possible.  Some of these girls are way to big to even look away.  They can be both in front and behind you.  I kind of feel sorry for him.  No more clubbin son! You are not the father - The best thing that can be said on television.  The woman falls to her knees crying while the man jumps out of his seat as if its on fire and starts crazy dancing to the lil’ wayne rap song in his head.  For those of you with no dance moves, watch one of these dudes bust out, because these dances are of pure elation. There are several other topics of the show such as “wild videos,” and “my teenage daughter is out of control,” but the pregnancy shows are by far the best. Now some people think that the people on this show are actors.  My answer to that is WHO GIVES A SHIT!  Besides, Maury Povich is married to fucking Connie Chung, do you think she would let him get away with such dishonest reporting??

HOMAGE TO MAURY POVICH

First he was a news anchor, then the host of “A Current Affair,” and now he has his own talk show that has been satirized in comic strips, rap songs, and South Park.

The Maury Povich show for those of you who have not heard of it (get out of your cave,) is mainly about helping people help themselves.  Also, it is about seeing a bunch of sad pathetic losers trying to sneak out of paying child support to their children.  Which leads me to one of my favorite show subjects….Are you the father?  This wonderful premise usually starts with some poor unattractive women who never lost the baby weight trying to pin child support on one of several men that could possibly be her “babby’s daddy.”  Sometimes it’s just one guy, sometimes it’s three.  I once saw a woman go on who had already tested five men to be the father of her daughter.  FIVE MEN!!

Now I know what you’re going to say; “Tom, why do you watch this trashy show??”  I’ll tell you why, other then the reason that it makes me feel better about  my own life.

When you see these guys come on, who are usually either rednecks, or minorities, they come out to the stage with some TJ-Maxx polo shirt tucked into some black denim jeans and think they are dressed up.  They are automatically boo’d at because their is some disgrace of a woman on stage who has been crying for about 10 minutes straight saying how she had to raise her bastard son all by herself.

So there are two different scenarios that can now play out.  You are the father, or You are not the father.

You are the father - The woman goes crazy.  She gets up all in the guys face and starts pointing her finger in her empty hand.  The man, disgusted, looks away if possible.  Some of these girls are way to big to even look away.  They can be both in front and behind you.  I kind of feel sorry for him.  No more clubbin son!

You are not the father - The best thing that can be said on television.  The woman falls to her knees crying while the man jumps out of his seat as if its on fire and starts crazy dancing to the lil’ wayne rap song in his head.  For those of you with no dance moves, watch one of these dudes bust out, because these dances are of pure elation.

There are several other topics of the show such as “wild videos,” and “my teenage daughter is out of control,” but the pregnancy shows are by far the best.

Now some people think that the people on this show are actors.  My answer to that is WHO GIVES A SHIT!  Besides, Maury Povich is married to fucking Connie Chung, do you think she would let him get away with such dishonest reporting??

Sep 17
Permalink
Now that summer is over and fall is approaching I am a happy man.  As in the title I believe that fall is the best season out there, and anyone who says otherwise is probably in better shape then I am. It is definitely the season for sports, considering you have the NFL early in its season, the Baseball season is drawing to a close with pllayoffs to come, and coming soon the NBA.  Another added bonus is that all of the beer you drink during these sporting events taste so much better now that they dont go hit room temp after five minutes. Now comes the season of fashion that involves what we men without six packs call “layering.”  It’s a marvelous thing that allows us to hide our shame and trick drunk girls who don’t know any better. So put away those AC units and open up your windows to the nice brisk feeling of 60 degree weather.

Now that summer is over and fall is approaching I am a happy man.  As in the title I believe that fall is the best season out there, and anyone who says otherwise is probably in better shape then I am.

It is definitely the season for sports, considering you have the NFL early in its season, the Baseball season is drawing to a close with pllayoffs to come, and coming soon the NBA.  Another added bonus is that all of the beer you drink during these sporting events taste so much better now that they dont go hit room temp after five minutes.

Now comes the season of fashion that involves what we men without six packs call “layering.”  It’s a marvelous thing that allows us to hide our shame and trick drunk girls who don’t know any better.

So put away those AC units and open up your windows to the nice brisk feeling of 60 degree weather.

Sep 15
Permalink
Meet my niece Winnifred Martha Keane coming to visit from New York, New York.  She is named after my Sister’s middle name and not after that “Wonder Years” whore. She flew down to Chicago with my sister Shannon and brother in law Chris for her baby shower this past Sunday.  Now usually I’m not much of baby fanatic, but I just couldn’t help myself. Kind of makes you want to be able to freeze time and keep her the way she is now.  Before all the nonsense of growing up and becoming an adolescent.  Such as….. Saying things like “Whatevs” and “I hate you” Outrageous cell phone bills. Slamming doors Sorority slumming at Arizona St. Dating some guy named Octavio ..And of course if she became ugly.  No one wants one of them in the family.

Meet my niece Winnifred Martha Keane coming to visit from New York, New York.  She is named after my Sister’s middle name and not after that “Wonder Years” whore. She flew down to Chicago with my sister Shannon and brother in law Chris for her baby shower this past Sunday.  Now usually I’m not much of baby fanatic, but I just couldn’t help myself.

Kind of makes you want to be able to freeze time and keep her the way she is now.  Before all the nonsense of growing up and becoming an adolescent.  Such as…..

  • Saying things like “Whatevs” and “I hate you”
  • Outrageous cell phone bills.
  • Slamming doors
  • Sorority slumming at Arizona St.
  • Dating some guy named Octavio
  • ..And of course if she became ugly.  No one wants one of them in the family.
Sep 13
Permalink
So this is my first blog/tumblr/thing I’m doing because everyone else is/internet bitching. I don’t even know how to approach people and tell them that I have one. “You think the cubs are gonna blow it? Yea me too. Check out my tumblr.” “Sorry that I gave you that urinary tract infection. Check out my tumblr.” “Why don’t you put YOUR pants back on. Check out my tumblr.” So hopefully my friends Mike (gchild) and matt (bleach blanket bingo) will help me spread the exciting news of my meaningless rants now calling the internet home. more to come BEARDEDMISFIT.TUBMLR.COM

So this is my first blog/tumblr/thing I’m doing because everyone else is/internet bitching. I don’t even know how to approach people and tell them that I have one.

“You think the cubs are gonna blow it? Yea me too. Check out my tumblr.”

“Sorry that I gave you that urinary tract infection. Check out my tumblr.”

“Why don’t you put YOUR pants back on. Check out my tumblr.”

So hopefully my friends Mike (gchild) and matt (bleach blanket bingo) will help me spread the exciting news of my meaningless rants now calling the internet home.

more to come

BEARDEDMISFIT.TUBMLR.COM