2009 Resolutions
Now that it’s 2009 and we are officially in the future, it’s time to reflect and make changes to yourself for the better. With the new year comes a clean slate, a chance to make improvments on all the experiences of past years. I’d like to share those resolutions with you.
- I’d like to start participating in one of the top two eating disorders. Anorexia takes a lot of effort and discipline, and bulemia is pretty messy so I haven’t realy decided between the two yet.
- My standard for women will severly drop down. I’m now accepting cankles, notable scars, bad teeth, and blondes.
- I am going to be nicer to Asians, even though they are secretly planning to invade the U.S with dragons and fireworks.
- I will stop paying homeless people to put lightbulbs in their mouth and then allowing me to punch them.
- I will stop punching homeless people period.
- I am finally going to send my love lettes to Phylisha Rashad.
- I will take all the Barney the Dinosaur and Ice Cream stickers off my white van and put the license plates back in place.
- I will stop serving hot girls “Benadryl Bombs” at Slainte.
- I will stop serving Coke to people who order Diet Coke.
- I will learn an instrument.
