Tears for Beards

Recently my hero, the shamwow guy, was arrested because when he...

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 14:04:00 -0400

Recently my hero, the shamwow guy, was arrested because when he paid a hooker 1,000 dollars to have as he said it, “straight sex,” he tried to kiss her and she retaliated by biting his toungue. Afterwards he smacked her around a little and the police were called.

So not only is your product sub par, made by Nazis and gave me a rash on my butt, but now your spokesman is as much of a womanizer as Babe Ruth. After all these shannanigans I kind of feel like spending 20$ a month on paper towels and throwing all my shamwows away. Thanks a lot Matt Perrone.

Lata LiLo

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 19:09:08 -0400

I’m sorry Lindsey Lohan, but you just aren’t getting your shit together. I always thought that one day you would drop the whole lezbo act and go back to duderino’s, but It just isn’t manifesting the way I would like. My new hollywood crush you ask? Kristen *didn’t really like twilight* Stewart. I mean I know I’m going to flaunty red head to passive brunette but I’m just that kind of guy. The best part is that I can still keep my creepy side of liking very young hollywood actresses. With Lilo it was the parent trap, which was awesoem because it was twice the creepiness, but for Kristen it is Panic room. The asthmatic little girl who is trapped in a 5 x 9 ft room with her mom, lesbo jodi foster…..mmmmmm mother and daughter action. Anyway, peace out lindsey, it was fun.

To Twit or to Tumble.

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 22:48:00 -0400

Twitting is fun, but tumblr lets me illustrate more of what I’m actually thinking. So what am I thinking? How about a wet nap dispenser next to the toilet so when you go #2 you don’t have to wait until you pull your pants and get to the sink to wash your hands. Patent pending…

Back in Business

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 18:34:34 -0500

Well ladies and gentleman, after a long period of no blogs I am back. Better then ever you ask? No. Just back. What Have I been doing with my self this whole time? Maybe I learned a second language. Maybe I traveled to Guam. Maybe I climbed Mt. Fiji. Those would all be great excuses as to why I haven’t written anything in a while but the truth is that I am a superhero.

With all the responsibilities I have to endure with this great power, and the harsh reality of portraying a normal life I just haven’t had time to talk about how much people bug me. Yea I hate how slow people walk on the sidewalk, and how people wait until they get on the bus to take out their money. But I just don’t have the time. Let’s not forget parents that put their kids in crocs…why not play a game of chance with your kids toes. I mean a thin layer of plastic should be enough stop all forces of nature. But back to the point.

Like most super heroes, I’m going through that phase where they want to get rid of all the hustle and bustle of the hero lifestyle and go back to how things were. Before we learned of our godly gift. So I am hanging up the cape and getting back to what I was really meant to do in this life. Which is hating on people who are better then me.

wat teh hel?

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 22:46:14 -0500

me: everyone's tumbler posts makes it look like they're all having more fun than me...whats up with that mr. computer?

macbook: 101001110011001100 (i dunno man, are you really that worried about it?)

me: i guess not, its just that i dont wanna miss out on the totally awesome parties theyre prolly havin

macbook:1001000101000011111101 (well since you suck at life youre prolly better off watching movies on 66stage.com)

me: yeah, i figured

2 MONTHS LATER :

me(alex) : So I'm finally starting to have some fun on my tumblr posts.

macbook : 110101000101000101110 ( I never doubted your ability to let loose.)

me(alex) : Yea well, life is too short to be so serious all the time.

macbook : 10011100101001010101000111011001101011100 (I couldn't agree with you more. Now, you wanna do that thing we always do Sunday nigts??)

me(alex) : Of course, but this time be more gentle. I'm having a hard time explaining the marks.

macbook : 10001011010 (Shut-up whore.)

Kenny Crandell : The dishes are DONE, man!

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 02:21:29 -0500

Kenny Crandell : The dishes are DONE, man!

2009 Resolutions

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 21:34:55 -0500

Now that it’s 2009 and we are officially in the future, it’s time to reflect and make changes to yourself for the better. With the new year comes a clean slate, a chance to make improvments on all the experiences of past years. I’d like to share those resolutions with you.

I’d like to start participating in one of the top two eating disorders. Anorexia takes a lot of effort and discipline, and bulemia is pretty messy so I haven’t realy decided between the two yet.
My standard for women will severly drop down. I’m now accepting cankles, notable scars, bad teeth, and blondes.
I am going to be nicer to Asians, even though they are secretly planning to invade the U.S with dragons and fireworks.
I will stop paying homeless people to put lightbulbs in their mouth and then allowing me to punch them.
I will stop punching homeless people period.
I am finally going to send my love lettes to Phylisha Rashad.
I will take all the Barney the Dinosaur and Ice Cream stickers off my white van and put the license plates back in place.
I will stop serving hot girls “Benadryl Bombs” at Slainte.
I will stop serving Coke to people who order Diet Coke.
I will learn an instrument.

The Perfect Woman

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 00:19:42 -0500

All her friends are MY friends
When I am not with her, she is living in a closet like Vicki from Small Wonder
Makes my sandwiches on ROLLS not SLICED BREAD.
Her junk doesn’t smell
She never answers my questions with questions……”what do you think that means??” I hate that shit.
Instead of sleeping she is awake thinking of other ways to please me.
Aging…..I would prefer her not too age……but if she can age and look like Dr. Quinn Medicine woman I can handle it.
When she cries, Jameson Whiskey comes out of her tear ducts so at least I can get drunk enough to not give a shit about why she is crying.
She loves guys that grow hair on their face to make up for the hair falling off their head…..and that love is unconditional……like some sort of fetish.
Even though she knows I don’t see her as an “object” she doesn’t mind me treating her as one.

Toms viewpoint on leather jackets

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 21:16:00 -0500

Leather jackets…..how cool are they? If someone were to ask me that question I would reply back to them that 80% of the coolness of a leather jacket depends on the person who is wearing it. The other 20% depends on color, thickness, etc.

If you are a greasy haired, no undershirt wearing, piece of euro-trash, and you are wearing a black leather jacket….you should be put in a cage. If you are a geeky, pimple faced, uber nerd and you wear your leather jacket so that no one can see how your body resembles a rail on the inside……you should be raped by clowns…..black clowns.

Pretty much there should be a rule saying that no one under 21 is allowed to wear a leather jacket. If I had my way no one under 25 should wear a leather jacket. The only exception to this rule would be if you have ever served in the military. Anyone that serves in the military can wear a leather jacket to bed if they want too.

So that leaves the question, “Well jeepers Tom, who can wear a leather jacket?” My response, anyone who has a motorcycle obviously (for safety reasons), my dad, and anyone who was in the movie TOP GUN.

Basically this rant was brought on by two D-bags who walked into slainte and both were wearing identical leather jackets. They both had a Schlitz (daily special) asked if they could get another round on the house to which I wanted to reply I’d rather give two free drinks to the next street urchin that walks down the street but I politely said no. Afterwards they walked out and I got upset that we live in a world where these two think they are cooler for wearing those jackets which looked like the price tag was still on it, and that price tag would say “Marshalls.”

Other Jacket related blogs to come

You were never in the Navy so stop wearing a peacoat.
Why is it bad to wear Courduroy Jackets and Courduroy pants at the same time?
D-Bags who give North Face a bad name.

Me Chinese, Me play joke, Me put pee pee in your coke.

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 18:59:47 -0500

A couple terms for anyone planning to visit the far east soon.

1) That’s not right - Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man - Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat
9) It’s very dark in here - Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
14) He’s cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great………………………………..Fa Kin Su Pah

17) Dildo - Fun Toi

18) Ex-wife - Fa Kin Sau

19) Where´s the restroom? - Ai Pe Nau
20) I absolutely agree! - No Daut
21) Jesus child - Ho Li Boi
22) Dogshit under my shoe - Stin Kin Puh
23) Stop teasing me! - Tat Nut Fun
24) Annoying kid - Hit Tat Boi
25) Cough up some dough! - Pei Nau

Urinating in the darkness

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 17:06:00 -0500

This is a post mainly towards my male readers. All three of you. Isn’t it the worst when you get up in the middle of the night to relieve yourself and you get to the bathroom and for some reason or another, you don’t turn on the light. Maybe you don’t want your eyes to get adjusted to light right before you go back to bed, or maybe the light is out. So there you are, standing in front of your very own toilet, one in which you have used millions of times. You would think that it would be something you could do with your eyes closed anyway. Then you start to urinate and you realize that you are not hitting water. If you’re lucky you’re hitting rim, but even then you get a splash effect. You stop, it stings, you try again using what you’ve learned from the last failed projectery. But no matter what happens you now have to turn on the light because now there is piss to be cleaned up.

Future Uriantion blogs to come

Duel Streams and the pants they ruin
Tricks on how to urinate in public restrooms without walls between the urinals.
The only valid excuses for a “sit down” urination.

I’m sorry, but there is no way in hell that all these...

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 19:10:00 -0400

I’m sorry, but there is no way in hell that all these girls I see on Saturday afternoons are all fans of Ohio State. I am sick of seeing these ditsy blondes walk around in their bug eyeglasses, talking on their cell phones, and trying to pick out which drunk asshole is going to buy her next drink. My guess is that maybe 37% of these girls actually went to Ohio State. The other 63% are just looking for an excuse to get drunk early enough so that they can endure the pain of being whores. I seriously hate those bug eyeglasses, and Ohio……and when you mix that with annoying vodka/cran drinkers, I get upset.

Does red go with everything? Is that why they choose Ohio State?

NaCl versus NaOCl

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 21:36:47 -0400

Yes I am salty, who wouldn’t be after an encounter such as the one previously talked about. Although I wouldn’t have anyone with bleached hair change it back because now it will be easier for me to find you on top of the clock tower with my gun.

Yes, even you A.J! I am not a spaz. Once you pounded my fist you should have realized who I was. I’m sorry, this is my rage talking.

Reblog!! not Reboot, that show sucked.

mrdanger:

made my night…blonde hair is the new bottle opener

matthewaperrone:

so, i fist-pounded the whiteSox starting catcher last night.
this guy was livid.
i didn’t even initiate it, he calld me out and i responded.
thing is: my buddy gives a fuk about the whiteSox, and i cudn’t care any less.
it was hysterical!

Location - Gaslight Bar Time - Around midnight I’m heading...

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 20:07:00 -0400

Location - Gaslight Bar

Time - Around midnight

I’m heading into Gaslight bar with Matt to meet Alex and Alain. After the Casual hello’s I notice A.J sitting in the front room talking it up to the waitress. I am giddy. A.J is one of my favorite White Sox Players and always seemed like a cool guy to hang out with. As he passes me to go to the bathroom I shrug thinking that I should have said something cool like “When you threw that ball in Cuddeyer’s face after tagging him out at the plate in the Tiebreaking game to determine the A.L Central that was friggin’ awesome!!” I didn’t say that. I decide that I’ll say something on his way back to the table. As he is approaching I take a huge gulp as I decide to say something. Before I get a word out, he approaches my friend matt, who like AJ has bleached his hair.

AJ - Nice Hair!

Matt - Thanks! I’m diggn it.

Me - speechless

So instead of me getting to voice my appreciation to AJ for a very well played season of baseball, he gives props to my bud for his bleached hair. The same kid who bitched about the sox/twins tie breaker game fucking up his DVR’d gossip girl.

This sums up my life. Pretty sad.

Some say my last tumblr was too long….. bite me. Maury deserves what he got.

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 20:29:52 -0400

Some say my last tumblr was too long…..

bite me.

Maury deserves what he got.

HOMAGE TO MAURY POVICH First he was a news anchor, then the...

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 19:40:08 -0400

HOMAGE TO MAURY POVICH

First he was a news anchor, then the host of “A Current Affair,” and now he has his own talk show that has been satirized in comic strips, rap songs, and South Park.

The Maury Povich show for those of you who have not heard of it (get out of your cave,) is mainly about helping people help themselves. Also, it is about seeing a bunch of sad pathetic losers trying to sneak out of paying child support to their children. Which leads me to one of my favorite show subjects….Are you the father? This wonderful premise usually starts with some poor unattractive women who never lost the baby weight trying to pin child support on one of several men that could possibly be her “babby’s daddy.” Sometimes it’s just one guy, sometimes it’s three. I once saw a woman go on who had already tested five men to be the father of her daughter. FIVE MEN!!

Now I know what you’re going to say; “Tom, why do you watch this trashy show??” I’ll tell you why, other then the reason that it makes me feel better about my own life.

When you see these guys come on, who are usually either rednecks, or minorities, they come out to the stage with some TJ-Maxx polo shirt tucked into some black denim jeans and think they are dressed up. They are automatically boo’d at because their is some disgrace of a woman on stage who has been crying for about 10 minutes straight saying how she had to raise her bastard son all by herself.

So there are two different scenarios that can now play out. You are the father, or You are not the father.

You are the father - The woman goes crazy. She gets up all in the guys face and starts pointing her finger in her empty hand. The man, disgusted, looks away if possible. Some of these girls are way to big to even look away. They can be both in front and behind you. I kind of feel sorry for him. No more clubbin son!

You are not the father - The best thing that can be said on television. The woman falls to her knees crying while the man jumps out of his seat as if its on fire and starts crazy dancing to the lil’ wayne rap song in his head. For those of you with no dance moves, watch one of these dudes bust out, because these dances are of pure elation.

There are several other topics of the show such as “wild videos,” and “my teenage daughter is out of control,” but the pregnancy shows are by far the best.

Now some people think that the people on this show are actors. My answer to that is WHO GIVES A SHIT! Besides, Maury Povich is married to fucking Connie Chung, do you think she would let him get away with such dishonest reporting??

Now that summer is over and fall is approaching I am a happy...

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 20:48:03 -0400

Now that summer is over and fall is approaching I am a happy man. As in the title I believe that fall is the best season out there, and anyone who says otherwise is probably in better shape then I am.

It is definitely the season for sports, considering you have the NFL early in its season, the Baseball season is drawing to a close with pllayoffs to come, and coming soon the NBA. Another added bonus is that all of the beer you drink during these sporting events taste so much better now that they dont go hit room temp after five minutes.

Now comes the season of fashion that involves what we men without six packs call “layering.” It’s a marvelous thing that allows us to hide our shame and trick drunk girls who don’t know any better.

So put away those AC units and open up your windows to the nice brisk feeling of 60 degree weather.

Meet my niece Winnifred Martha Keane coming to visit from New...

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 22:17:40 -0400

Meet my niece Winnifred Martha Keane coming to visit from New York, New York. She is named after my Sister’s middle name and not after that “Wonder Years” whore. She flew down to Chicago with my sister Shannon and brother in law Chris for her baby shower this past Sunday. Now usually I’m not much of baby fanatic, but I just couldn’t help myself.

Kind of makes you want to be able to freeze time and keep her the way she is now. Before all the nonsense of growing up and becoming an adolescent. Such as…..

Saying things like “Whatevs” and “I hate you”
Outrageous cell phone bills.
Slamming doors
Sorority slumming at Arizona St.
Dating some guy named Octavio
..And of course if she became ugly. No one wants one of them in the family.

So this is my first blog/tumblr/thing I’m doing because...

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 19:56:00 -0400

So this is my first blog/tumblr/thing I’m doing because everyone else is/internet bitching. I don’t even know how to approach people and tell them that I have one.

“You think the cubs are gonna blow it? Yea me too. Check out my tumblr.”

“Sorry that I gave you that urinary tract infection. Check out my tumblr.”

“Why don’t you put YOUR pants back on. Check out my tumblr.”

So hopefully my friends Mike (gchild) and matt (bleach blanket bingo) will help me spread the exciting news of my meaningless rants now calling the internet home.

more to come

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